--Chapter Seven: Neo and Trinity, Eat Your Hearts Out

Pants Man leaped over the desk and onto the central rug so that the furniture would not inhibit his movement. Then, he and Dr. Van Kruglor stared straight into each other’s eyes as they stood in the middle of the rectangular room.

“What happened to you, Krug?” asked Pants Man. “You walk out of the apartment one night, and now this?”

“Krug not ‘Krug’ anymore,” the monster ironically stated. “Krug is now ‘Dr. Van Kruglor.’ And now I am mayor and king of many little Krugs!”

“What do you want, ‘Dr. Van Kruglor?’ Why put Toronto through all this misery?”

“Van Kruglor glad Fleshy One asked that. Ahem:”

(Krug goes to the wall and turns a dimmer switch until only a single white spotlight shows above him.)

Van Kruglor: Krug was called by Master to come to Secret Hideout. There Krug learn he was made for special mission: to rid the world of Fleshy Ones! Krug eat many fleshy ones, but many Krugs eat many many Fleshy Ones! Master’s dying wish was for Krug to rule over world and eat all Fleshy Ones. Dr. Van Kruglor now lives that dream, and it starts with Toronto! Van Kruglor is now mayor... Soon Van Kruglor will be King of all!

(Dramatic pause.)

Pants Man: Are you done yet?

Van Kruglor: Quite. (turns the dimmer switch back to full lighting.)

Pants Man: Good. (lassos him with the belt, thus confining Krug’s arms) Now, come with me.

Van Kruglor opened his jaws and bit the belt in two pieces. Pants Man looked sadly at the remains of his lasso on the floor.

“That was genuine leather,” said Pants Man. “Oh, you are so going to pay for that.”

“Bring it, Briefs Boy,” said Krug, adding to himself, “haha, Krug is awesome with quips.”

Krug opened his mouth all the way and jumped toward Pants Man, covering the distance between them in that single bound. The superhero got one shot off from his squirt gun before he had to dive out of the way, recovering neatly with a roll while Krug smacked flat into the ground.

When Krug looked up, he saw his face in the reflection of a steel file cabinet and shrieked.

Pants Man patted his squirt gun. “Filled it with bleach this time,” he said.

Krug, half of his face white from the shot, desperately held onto some form of reason as he stood, taking a few steps back from Pants Man. “Krug try to attack with brute force... But that is not the way of Dr. Van Kruglor. Fleshy one must be Pwned by Science!”

Krug reached into his lab coat and pulled out Dr. Doe’s metal brick, touching the unlighted side to his face. The white fur turned red again in a matter of seconds.

Pants Man: What the hell...

Van Kruglor: It Dr. Doe’s invention: The Deus Ex Machine. And Krug find it come in very handy!

Pants Man: No way...

Van Kruglor: Yes way!

Pants Man: No way!

Van Kruglor: See for yourself. (tosses him the brick)

Pants Man: Hm... (touches the belt on the floor. The pieces come back together, and instead of leather, the belt is now made of chain links.) Wow...

Van Kruglor: (beaming with pride) Told ya so. (holds a hand out)

Pants Man: (puts the brick in his pocket) Thanks!

Van Kruglor: Hey! Krug not say Fleshy One could keep it!

(Pants Man lassos Krug again. Krug cannot bite through the chains. Pants Man then rapidly loops and ties the chain around one of the desk’s legs and runs to the door. Krug gives chase but the chain pulls him back.)

Pants Man: (opens the door) One down, who-knows-how-many to go.

(Pants Man steps into the hall and closes the door. He is in a large circular parlor with dual staircases leading up to a balcony. Along the staircases and against the walls are several statues holding various weapons. Kudos to the reader for seeing the Matrix: Reloaded parody coming. Just when Pants Man takes a step, five monsters—blue, white, orange, and two green ones—enter through double doors below the balcony. They are all equipped with flame-thrower-like devices over their shoulders, and on the back of these devices—though Pants Man cannot see their backs yet—are the words, “Spooge TM Shooter 5000.”)

Blue: Hmph. It is an ordinary Fleshy One in weird clothing. Shoot him!

(The Krugs shoot a rapid-fire succession of thick yellow liquid spurts. Pants Man holds up the Deus Ex Machine, and the Spooge TM stops in midair in front of him. When the monsters find they are running low on ammunition, they stop firing, and the wall of Spooge TM falls to the ground in one disgusting SPLAT. The monsters then take the shooters off their backs and prepare for a more hands-on fight.)

Blue: Okay, so maybe he has some skill... Or at least the Deus Ex Machine.

Pants Man: Let’s call it “both.”

Blue: Get him!

Pants Man took aim with his Super Soaker and hit one of the green monsters in the eyes with his first shot. The creature dropped to the ground immediately, giving in to the searing pain of industrial bleach against his cornea.

The rest of the monsters pulled out their trademark weapons, the sporks, and lunged after him. Pants Man flipped and lassoed the overhead chandelier with a spare belt from his cape, and he used this to swing over to the staircase on his right.

When he turned around, he saw twenty more monsters flood in through the doors on either side at the bottom of the stairway. Pants Man tried to hold up the brick to stop his pursuers, but a stray furry arm knocked it out of his hands, and it shattered into hundreds of pieces on the floor.

Pants Man had a split second to appreciate the irony in a “Deus Ex Machine” picking the perfect moment to destroy itself, but in the face of the monster before him, he had to think quickly.

He shot for the eyes at point blank, and the monster fell backwards, screaming in pain, causing a domino effect with the other monsters trying to climb the stairs. One after another they collapsed, unable to get up because they were trapped under each other’s weight.

One of the blue monsters, however, had been smart enough to run up the other staircase, and now he wielded an ax taken off one of the displays along the walls and attacked Pants Man from behind.

Pants Man jumped the railing, but the ax swung and chopped off part of his cape before embedding itself in the wall. On the ground below, Pants Man took a brief look at the jeans wrapped around his neck, one leg of which was half as long as it had been seconds ago.

On the staircase, the blue monster smiled. “You see, friends, he is only... Fleshy...

But at that moment, the police, led by the Commissioner, busted in through the doors above the balcony.

Where is the mayor?” Pants Man demanded. Most of the monsters still had not gotten up.

You will never find him!” answered one of the creatures on the floor. “Stupid Fleshy One will never guess that Mayor Man is in the cellar, through the meeting room, down one floor!”

All of the other monsters groaned in unison at their comrade’s stupidity.

“What?” said the monster, “Was it something I said?”

“Thanks!” said Pants Man. He ran through the double doors below the balcony, leaving the police to take care of the monsters. He heard the first few gunshots fired as the doors closed, but he tried not to pay attention to all the screams.

He was in a large conference room, apparently laid out for some sort of celebration. Glasses of wine still lay on the table untouched—well, one was spilled. At the head of the table were the wine bottles, but seemingly out of place next to them, was a vodka cooler... Apparently one of the attendants had requested a different taste for the occasion...

Pants Man’s eyes began to twitch, and his knees started shaking. He blinked a few times, and suddenly he was in the middle of a hallucination.

(Cartoon vision. The cooler bottle hops down the table toward Pants Man. It talks by flipping its cap up and down as a mouth.)

Vodka Cooler: (deep, feminine voice) Well hi there, sugar. You look parched...

Pants Man: (takes a few steps back, shakes his head and closes his eyes. The hallucination goes away, and the room is in normal view again.) No... No, I can’t drink now... I have to save the mayor.

(Pants man walks over to a door marked “Cellar” and cracks it open. The cooler voice calls over his back, though, and when he turns around, cartoon vision is restored.)

Vodka Cooler: Aw, come on now, hon. You can’t just up n’ leave me for the police to take away. Just have a little sip...

(The bottle flips its own cap off and jumps at Pants Man’s face. He puts his hands up and says, “NOOOOOOOOO!” but the bottle lands right in his mouth, colliding with such force that it pins him against the door. As he gulps the liquid down, he sinks to the floor until he’s sitting down, legs somewhat apart. The empty bottle drops to the ground in slow motion, and each bounce on the carpet resounds in an ominous “Thud.” End scene with a close-up of the bottle as it stops on the floor.)